Let’s imagine that there’s a metaphorical rope between two people, but one of them
constantly tugs at it, keeping it in a perpetual state of tension. This behavior would translate as an anxious attachment style, often referred to as “fear of abandonment”. It is greatly influenced by the individual's relationship with his caregivers, and it is spread amongst 20% of the population.
The feeling people with an anxious attachment style experience can be described as a struggle to feel secure and a constant fear of being left alone by the ones they love. Even though they are in a warm and loving space, they feel freezing cold all the time.
Childhood is the time when it all starts. As a kid, you rely on your caregivers for survival - biological and emotional needs. Depending on how these are met, kids shape their vision of the world and the dynamics in relationships. This is called “The Attachment Theory”, developed in the 1950s by John Bowlby (1907-1990). He believed psychoanalysis focuses too much on our internal world and too little on the environment we are immersed in. His mentor, Melanie Klein, an influential name in the field, believed children’s emotional problems arise from internal processes. Later, Bowlby publicly disagreed with her and stated that attachment is influenced by the environment. The mother-child relationship impacts more than expected, with emotional connection being more vital compared to food generally.
Bonds are innate and a child has an immediate need for a secure attachment. If not met, he/she will feel threatened and react accordingly, by crying and calling out their caregivers frequently. However, this can also be a result of “emotional hunger” in caregivers, who seek emotional and physical closeness with the child in order to satisfy their own needs. By doing so, they raise very dependent individuals also.
Adults with an anxious attachment style tend to be constantly preoccupied with the
possibility of their relationship ending and simultaneously have low self-esteem. Their
“hyperactivation” towards their partners is expressed through the repetitive “Do you still love me?” question and by obsessively looking for signs that show the other is pulling away. Small problems become big threats to the relationship in their eyes and they assume the worst about their loved one. Late replies lead to the thought that they are cheated on or not loved anymore. As a result, more conflicts can start from nothing, the trust they have for each other is threatened and the satisfaction in the couple decreases. But in spite of this, people with anxious attachment styles have the qualities of being more caring and appreciative of their partner.
Additionally, the relationship they cultivate with themselves is also greatly influenced. People with an anxious attachment style feel like they can’t solve problems independently and they can’t be too alone. The great news is that there are ways to cope with this oppressive feeling. Understanding the feeling of anxiety is the first step, followed by communicating with your partners, self-regulating, journaling and nourishing life outside the relationship. Therapy is an alternative too, maybe an even more efficient one. The main types of therapy for this are interpersonal therapy, which helps you work on emotions, cognitive behavioral therapy, which focuses on the relation between thought and feeling, psychodynamic therapy, which works with unconscious fears and rooted traumas, and couple’s therapy.
Sometimes, all it takes for someone to give up on their anxious attachment style is a
healthy relationship with a securely attached individual that facilitates their emotional stability and care. Regardless of anything, this proves to us even more that belongingness is as essential as shelter and water for human well-being.
Bibliography:
Bibliography
https://www.health.com/anxious-attachment-style-
7562046#:~:text=People%20with%20anxious%20attachment%20styles%20struggle%20to%20f
eel%20secure%20in,relationships%20as%20you%20get%20older.
https://www.attachmentproject.com/blog/anxious-attachment/
https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/addiction-and-recovery/202009/recognizing-the-
anxious-attachment-
style#:~:text=The%20anxious%20attachment%20style%20is,otherwise%20neutral%20or%20po
sitive%20interactions.
https://www.simplypsychology.org/anxious-attachment-style.html
Bowlby and Ainsworth's Attachment Theory and Stages (attachmentproject.com)
https://images.app.goo.gl/AXTh5AS128a1pzzw5
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