We’ve all heard at least once in our life the phrase, “No regrets!”, usually said when we are about to do something a little “crazy” perhaps. And yet, as tempting as the “Living Without Regrets” philosophy sounds, it’s not always so easy. We regret missed opportunities. We regret not spending our time more wisely, doing something that we are passionate about. Yes, we regret many things, and it can actually become pretty consuming.
Although many regrets are small and quickly forgotten—such as the stupid comment one made on social media—there are some regrets that, even after a long period of time, still keep coming back. Reflecting on the most enduring ones is important because they can help us understand ourselves better and make better decisions in the future. But what are the decisions we’re most likely to regret, and why?
Well, there are four types of regret: foundation regrets, moral regrets, connection regrets and boldness regrets. Foundation regrets represent the ones we get from not “doing the work”, not laying the foundation for a more stable, less precarious lifestyle. Moral regrets are the ones in which someone did something morally wrong. “If only I’d reached out”, is the telltale sign of a connection regret. It is the largest category of regrets, and they are about relationships. Boldness regrets are about a chance that wasn’t taken. Things like opportunities to study abroad or leaving a dead-end job, but for whatever reason, you chose to play it safe.
But what leads to regret? Feelings of regret in the long-term are more likely to appear when inaction is involved. This kind of regret is enhanced by our imagination, which compares the real world with visions of the best alternative world. You can never know how things would have turned out but your mind can easily “paint a rosy picture”. Decisions resulting in poor outcomes produce greater regret when it is harder to justify those decisions in retrospect.
How to cope with regret? Dealing with regret is even more difficult because of the other negative emotions that come along with it: remorse, sorrow and helplessness. The first step in managing it is to understand and accept the choices made and that they did not lead to a favourable outcome. Despite being a difficult emotion, regret has value in motivating us to take action. The presence of regret can be used to determine us to act in a way that makes us feel better about what happened in the past.
So, instead of the all-too-familiar notion of living a life with no regrets, what if we embraced them? What if we used the past as a guide for better future decisions?
I’d rather regret the things I’ve done than regret the things I haven’t done. -Lucille Ball
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